Prayer

It’s dark. Early morning. The glow from the screen is lighting my face and the small area around my hand that holds it.

I am glued the the flight tracker that monitors the plane. The plane holds a piece of my heart and it is on the other side of the world. 15 minutes till it lands. I can’t hold my breath for that long. I’ve tried. Instead, I am holding what is left of my heart and sending prayers.

I don’t think I have ever prayed so hard in my life like I have in the last 26 hours. Prayed so much that the prayer became more than a thought. It became physical. Tangible. It became water in my eyes and a force flowing out of me toward heaven and then to my piece of heart. I don’t know exactly where he was but I could see it finding him, encircling him. I prayed as if I had the power to move planes and people to my will. Maybe I did. “Please make your gate! Please be on time! Please ask for help. Please, please, please.”

And now you are almost there. 4 minutes.

Soon my prayers will start up again. Actually they have already started. I can feel them on my cheek and pillow. I am not sure if I have the stamina for this but I push through because it’s the only thing I can do. It’s the only power I have left. Thank God it’s a strong one.

Landed.

Snow

Today there was snow. Wet, heavy-ish snow. The kind that sounded like popping bubble wrap as you walked upon it. It was warmish, as warm as it can get and still have snow on the ground. It’s really the second snowfall of the season, but the first to actually need shovelling. I like snow when it’s like this and I like it even better because it’s new.

As I was walking back home, I came to the part where I met the solitary tracks of my son and I that were just made minutes before. I all of sudden was grateful for those tracks. I saw where I turned to see if he was close by. I noticed there is a slight drag in the heel of his step, undoubtedly caused by the dragging or shuffling of his feet. New boots can be heavy. I imagined our presences passing me on the way to school and saw that we were happy.

I often walk him to school because I am thinking of the environment or time. It’s faster for us to walk most days because we live so close, but we also walk because of him. He loves the walk. He is always insisting us to walk. Some mornings when i’m tired or when I am freezing, I have a hard time understanding why. But today, today I think I might have gotten a glimpse.

Nervous But Trying: Teaching in Church is Hard For Me

A little nervous. I have to (I mean get to) teach again tomorrow. I often feel so inadequate, and frustrated when my thoughts cannot be put into words and thats when I just make comments, let alone teach. It’s something I have struggled with for a very long time.

When I was young, I knew all the answers. I have a pretty good memory and am able to regurgitate facts or information pretty easily. At a young age that is all that is required. As I got older, the questions got harder. There was more applying the knowledge then repeating it. I am ok at that too, but I’m slow. And often when I am put on the spot, I stutter, say the wrong thing, or never really get out what in my heart I know is really good. EVERYTHING sounds way better in my head. ALL. THE. TIME. Don’t believe me? Just try to have a conversation with me in front of people.

I had a great group of friends growing up, but often my comments were followed by “It’s all in the delivery AL” They weren’t trying to be mean, and I know that. In fact I laughed some of it off, but now over 20 years later. I would just rather sit quiet and never talk. After all it’s better to remain quiet then to remove all doubt. That’s sort of how the saying goes. Right?!

I long for the ability to be a great orator, but would that gift be for my glory or would it be for God’s? I’m afraid that I do enjoy the “praise of men” and I probably weak enough that I would start to think it was all me. I am ashamed to say that at times I have come very close to that. My pride does enjoy the stroking.

Maybe I am also nervous because I can be judgemental (I’m totally trying to work on that) and maybe others are as judgemental as I am when I am teaching. Just so you know my judgements aren’t thrown around all the time and not willy nilly. I really try to stay open minded and am really trying hard to be open to the fact that perhaps the spirit told them they needed to teach the lesson that way, despite the fact that I have prepared as a student and am ready for the lesson that was scheduled. Oh, I really need to work on my judgements. I am trying REALLY.

We also have a difficult class member. By difficult I don’t mean antagonistic or mean. They ask questions that I am not prepared for. Luckily there are others in the class that can support me, but often, I am a flustered and have a hard time wrapping my head around what they have asked. Then add the language barrier. It’s getting better but it’s hard and uncomfortable for me. Kind of like training for a marathon, for your brain.

I knew when I was called to be a Ward Missionary (also something way out of my comfort zone) that it would involve teaching, and my first thought was dread, but my next thought was this will be good practice. I know it will be good for me, but I just don’t like to do it. At least I’m trying that is half the battle.

21 weeks

Tomorrow it will be 21 weeks since my accident. That is over 5 months. I have good days and bad. I get discouraged because sometimes it seems like I’m slipping back. Maybe it’s time to count my blessings:

1. I can walk, although if I stand for long periods of time or walk great distances I hurt, but I can walk.

2. I didn’t need surgery. I think this significantly helped in the healing process

3. My bone is completely healed

4. Had my first fall on the ice and the world didn’t shatter. Mind you I fell on my right leg and it’s sore.

5. I have a husband who is trying to support me in my exercises. He comes downstairs with me so I’m not lonely. We only have one bosu ball so he can’t do it with me, but he will wait for me to finish before going to bed.

I am sure there are more.

Currently I am doing squats (3 sets of 10) both on the floor and on the bosu ball.

Then I do 1 legged squats (3 sets of 10) both legs on also on the floor and bosu.

The important thing about the squats is not to push your knees past your toes and to stick your but out. If I have knee pain I am to stop. PAIN FREE RANGE OF MOTION is my new mantra. I tend to power through so this is harder than you think.I think they are trying to prevent patellofemoral pain or syndrome.  After those I do what I call a kick back to stimulate my Gluteus Maximus. Its a small movement straight legged from the hip down (3 sets of 10) both legs. Don’t want one cheek larger than the other. I kind of feel like a dance when I am doing it. Then with a band around both legs I get in a squatting position, butt out, upper body low, and sideways walk while stay low in the squat. I so 30 of these as well. Truthfully I could do more and probably should. Then I do bridges/ pelvic lifts/whatever. I go up for 5 second, then down slowly. I do that 30 times as well. All of these exercises are to stimulate my butt and strengthen my muscles around my knee. It feels much slower than I thought it would be. I should be running but I can’t. 😦 Anyway enough whining. One good thing out of this is my butt is going to look fantastic!

14 weeks

That doesn’t seem that long, but it sure feels like it. If my break were a fetus, I’d be through the first trimester. I seriously don’t know why I keep comparing this to pregnancy, it really isn’t anything like it (other than the fact that I can’t walk totally normal, and the I’m measuring time in weeks). Oh yeah and my hips hurt.

It’s also been 7 weeks since I have been mobile and weight bearing. Friday will be my last “free” physio appointment. I can almost bend my leg back to the point of grabbing it. I suspect some of my extra weight and atrophied flesh might have something to do with the inability to get it all the way back. Really it’s not as bad as it sounds, but every little bit has an affect.

Last week I had a follow up at the cast clinic. The bone Dr. said everything looks healed the plateau is nice and smooth. He is sure I won’ t have arthritis. He says he doesn’t need to see me again. So yay. I guess everything is going according to schedule bone wise. 3 months to heal is what the inter web says and thats where I am at.

Strength will be another story. I have been walking a lot, mostly because I don’t want to pay for gas, but my leg is back to hurting all the time. I have also progressed to exercises that need special equipment so I am caught between the do I go buy the equipment so I can do this at home, or do I get a gym membership/ pass to use their equipment. Neither route is cheap and with starting to pay for physio, we could be eating peanut butter and jam sandwiches for the next month or so. It is my knee, and although they are replaceable, I am kind of attached to this one so I need to suck it up and spend the money. I hate spending money, well large amounts of money that I had no clue I was going to have to spend 3 months ago.

Enough about money. Now the symptoms (lack of a better word) and progression

Sleeping is getting better, sometimes. I still use a pillow to align my body properly. Right now I am laid up with a magic bag as I think I may have over exerted myself with my workout and extensive walking. I will probably have to roll out my quad tonight. I am also experiencing pain occasionally that comes on unexpected while walking. It tends to be located over or just below the break site. It’s a twinge and then an ache that gets worse until I get off my leg. If I don’t get pain there then I get pain along the front of my tibia below the centre of my knee.

I can kind of squat. It’s a weird lopsided squat. What usually ends up happening if I have to get low. It usually starts out as a try to squat, but then end up sitting down because it’s still uncomfortable and sometimes painful.

Running isn’t an option yet. When I try to move quickly my muscles don’t remember what to do, and the strength isn’t there to absorb the impact yet. It’s quite awkward.

I can get on all 4s but I cannot kneel due to my limited range of motion. I think now that my bone is healed I should look into yoga. I might try asking the PT next time. Also need to ask out deep water or shallow water exercise.

If I am in pain, elevating my leg and heating or icing tends to help. At night when it does hurt I take a tylenol. If it going to hurt too much to sleep I take Advil nighttime. That stuff is amazing, but I don’t like the way I feel in the morning, because I am pretty groggy at 6:30am. It takes a while for the fog to lift. I suspect that if I could wake at 8:30 or 9:00am I’d be fine. Also you don’t want to take it for more than 5 days in a row. It tends to have depressive side affects if taken over a long period of time. Because of how slow the progression  and mentally taxing this break is one should probably avoid depressive side affects.

I will post my exercises later as I seem to have misplaced my papers in a quick clean up for some unexpected company. It’s probably downstairs in the office.

I only share my progress as a way of getting information out there as well as to document progress. Sometimes it’s hard to see how far you have come. When I look up my fracture there isn’t much in the way of timelines or therapies, especially in the kind of TPF that I have. I was lucky in that it was non-diplaced and my ligaments seem to be fine. Don’t hate me. However, it is still a difficult long hall and many times I have moments of frustration and doubt. when I read that 2 years out some are not back to normal it gets hard. I thought if I documented my journey someone else may gain hope or peace of mind. They may also share what worked for them. If you came here because you too have a TPF you have my sympathy. God speed your recovery and may you get the best outcome possible.

 

 

Pumpkin Spice Granola

The world of Wonderland is slowly getting back to normal (whatever that is). My leg is now doing some weight bearing and Range of Motion (ROM) is getting better. I still have pain at night when I sleep, so now I sleep with a pillow to elevate my knee when I sleep on my right side. When I sleep on my back I use it to relax both my legs. It props up my knee into it’s most comfortable position. When I sleep on my left it is used to keep my right leg from interacting with my left leg. For some reason they cannot touch when I sleep on my left.

Truth be told I haven’t slept with this many pillows or this much effort since I was pregnant and we know how fun that was. For those of you who do know. It was awful. I am terrible at being pregnant. Anyway… every morning I wake up sore and stiff and wonder will this get any better?

I have seen some progress. In one week I went from being able to bend my leg 90 degrees to 120 degrees. That is huge, or at least my therapist made me think it was. I can also straighten my leg another 9 degrees. That was last week. This week doesn’t feel like much progress. I felt stronger earlier this week but now I feel like I need my crutches. Perhaps I was trying to push things too quickly. I went from using my one crutch to using no crutches in one day. Now my hips are sore. I think I am over compensating in another area of my body. Just so you know, that getting rid of the crutch was singularly my idea as is bringing it back, in the evenings. I just feel so ridiculous using it. It doesn’t even feel like i am using it.

In my quest to over do things, I decided this would be a perfect time to bake, and cook, and shop etc. Not to mention work getting a little bit in the way of rest and relaxation and also the exercises that I am supposed to be doing.  I try to fit my ROM exercises in everyday as that is more important than strength, but the other stuff has been kind of hit and miss. Perhaps that is why I feel like I am plateauing. Also when I go to do the wall ball squat and stairs, I have a some abnormal pain so I don’t really want to do them.

While I was procrastinating everything I am supposed to do, I decided I would try to make some granola. I have been meaning to make it since before the wipeout. Being alone and bored for hours on end, you end up eventually, deciding to go through your to do list. Granola was on my to do list.

I was “walking” through the grocery store and saw HIGH PROTEIN granola and wondered what was in it that made it high in protein. When I turned over the package and read the ingredients list, I was still wondering. Not one ingredient in there would I have associated with “high in protein” and there was a few that I would associate with “bad for you”. I guess that is the chance we take when we don’t make our own. I totally get it though, my pantry right now is full of processed stuff just because it’s cheap, they’ll eat it, it’s easy, and I have been laid up.

Hmmm. I wonder for how much longer I can use my leg as an excuse.

Ahem.

So like I was saying, the stars combined, the planets aligned and as luck would have it I had some groceries that would go into a granola. I sort of followed a bunch of recipes and I kind of measured. Really Granola is like the kitchen sink of recipes. you can though anything remotely granola-ish into it and it’s going to turn out pretty good. When you need to clean out your pantry, make granola. I decided I would make Pumpkin Spice Granola. Some recipes I found had one making the granola in one’s crockpot, so I thought I would try that. After all , God invented crockpots to make life easier right?

Well for this particular situation, I would not use a crockpot. I am an impatient person and 4 hours, stirring granola every so often so it doesn’t burn, is a little annoying. Others have said they prefer the crockpot as it is more forgiving in the burning department. I however, like to cross things off my list and spending 4hours mindfully making something that could take 30-45 minutes, tops, is frustrating.  So I guess if you are easily distracted and tend to burn things, or you just live and die by your crockpot, then maybe that kind of granola will “toasting” will work for you. Needless to say, I started out in the crockpot, gave up and turned it off, so I could pick up my son from school, then put it on a parchmented baking sheet and finished it off.

So what went it? That’s  good question. It was like a week ago when I started this post and now I am starting to forget. Remember how I said I didn’t really measure or follow a recipe? Well here it goes.

Pumpkin Spice Granola:

In a large bowl (or crockpot as the case may be) combine:

5 cups large flake oats

1 cup wheat bran

1/2 cup ground flax seed

1 cup uncooked quinoa (weird I know, but a couple of recipes had it so I tried it)

1/2 Cup unsweetened coconut

1/2 cup raw pumpkin seeds

1 cup sliced almonds

1 tsp each of Cinnamon and Ginger

1/2 tsp cloves

1/4 tsp nutmeg

Because I was originally making in a crockpot I also added 1&1/2 cups cranberries. If doing in the oven, leave them out and add them at the end.

I think thats about right. 🙂

Mean while in a small sauce pan, on low heat, melt 1/2  a cup coconut oil ( you can use vegetable oil instead) Then turn off the heat and set aside.

In another bowl (smaller) whisk 2 egg whites for about a minute Then whisk in the following:

1 cup pumpkin puree

1/2 cup maple syrup (the real stuff)

The melted coconut oil

1/4 cup coconut palm sugar  (or brown sugar)

and 2 tsp vanilla

Pour over the dry granola mixture and mix till evenly-ish coated. If using a crockpot, cook it on high for 4 hours stirring every 30 mins. If doing in the oven, preset you oven to 325 degrees F  and put it in for 10 min, stir, then for another 10 min, stir, and then another 10 min. It should be done. But if its not quite go another 10 minutes. The amount you actually have on your baking sheet can affect cooking time. Let it sit and cool on the pan.

There Done Like Dinner  Breakfast.

Put it in a sealable jar, and take pretty pictures of it. Then post it on Instagram or pin it on Pinterest. It’s what all the great granola chefs are doing these days. 😉

This post was to go up over 2 weeks ago. I was waiting to take pictures of my beautiful granola to add to the post, but life got busy and the granola got eaten. It was good, very good actually, but I think I could tweak it to be better. Maybe a Chocolate pumpkin granola. That might be a bit overboard. Next time I’ll take pictures. Promise

 

 

 

 

 

We Shall Be Like him

I don’t know how many times I have read Maroni 7, but I do know it’s been over a handful. It is one of my favourites. A discourse on Faith, Hope and Charity. This morning, although the roaring virtual fireplace was going, and I was awake. My mind couldn’t focus. It wan’t until we were almost 3/4 of the way into the chapter, that I realized we were reading THAT chapter. I kind of felt shame and tried harder to focus.

Faith, Hope and Charity are beautiful things. Colourful happy virtues in a world of Angry grey. I often think of these virtues in colours and I don’t low why or where that came from.

Faith I see a warm yellow or a pure white. When you have faith there is more clarity, there is more peace. Faith in the right things is enlightening.

I often relate the colour blue to Hope. I find the colour blue a strong one, yet relaxing. A blue mornIng sky shows promise. I don’t know much about hope. It is so interwoven with faith that it is hard to separate. Maybe they aren’t supposed to be separate.

Charity is red because Charity is Love. But it is more than love. I think sometimes we lose the meaning of charity when we replace it with the word love.

But this is not what I got from this particular chapter in the Book of Mormon today.

I can’t help but think the would would be so much better if we would practice these, especially Charity.  Not just the charity of giving to the poor but the Charity of no gossip, of giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. The Charity of listening and choosing the best interpretation of what one was saying especially when it opposite to what your opinion is. The Charity of letting go or arguments and realizing they are pointless. Have you notice, after an argument, nothing is resolved. You have said your piece, but you have no peace. You haven’t changed anyones mind, and you haven’t heard the other person because you are too busy being right.

But that also isn’t what I got out of this chapter today either.

Since I only tuned in at the end, I only got the end and for some strange beautiful reason it was enough. Shame is gone.

         “48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.”

Time to pray. That too is important.

In Body and In Spirit

Today was the first time in a long time that I was excited to get up to read scriptures. I used to be a “morning person”, but somewhere along the way, I think between the ages of 16 and 24, I became a night owl. Then I had my babies and I became a narcoleptic. Not really, but my best sleeping times seem to be between the hours of 5:30am to 10:00am. Just when everyone else is getting ready for the day, all I want to do is drift off to dreamland.

So back to scriptures, a few years ago our family just decided to just do it. The time that worked best for us was 6:30am. I promised the Mad Hatter that I would support him, so I try very hard not to complain, and I think for the most part I do fantastic at that, but you can see why I am not excited on the inside to get up for scriptures.

Last night, as a result of the “MONSTEROUS SNOWPOLCOLIPS” that hit Calgary, I thought it would be nice to read scriptures by a fire. I thought that it would feel cozy and would keep all of us awake or at least a little more alert while reading said scripture. The only problem is we don’t have a fireplace. Believe me it was on the list for purchasing a home, as was garage and dinning room, but sometimes one needs to compromise. So when you can’t have an actual fireplace, the next best think is a virtual one…right?

Enter in Netflix “fireplace for your home” episode. Can you believe they have that? Seems kind of silly, but I guess I am not the only one who needed to compromise.

I guess you can get virtual fireplaces on youtube too

And it worked. I am not saying a crackling fireplace is the “magic pill” for improving my families attitude, but it was a reminder that sometimes changing things up and preparing ourselves physically for insight spiritually is necessary. Didn’t Jesus feed the 5000 because he could see that their physical discomfort was interfering with their ability to understand the word? That and compassion.

I give this another week and I think I will have to change things up again. I will have to sock away the fireplace for another time. Slowly as we improve the physical, hopefully, the spiritual will come along with it. Almost anything is better than the scattered bodies hiding under blankets sleeping through the Mad Hatters readings, because that is what it has been since we moved. It also helps that we now have couches.

White

I grew up with white walls. I was so excited to be introduced to colour back in the early 90’s. Now I want white, but I’m scared. Even more scared than I was picking colour. Gah. Why?

1. I have 3 boys and everything gets dirty when you have 3 boys.

2. I want to pick the right white. Even though I know my eye will read the various shades of white as plain white, in the store, I don’t want to pick a yellow, or a green or a pink or a baby blue. I want it warm but I also want it cool. My indecision is driving me nuts. What is also driving me equally nutty is the Chocolate Wendy’s frosty colour on my walls. It’s great for selling a home, but it’s boring and oh so dark in my house that doesn’t get direct sunlight ever in it’s windows.

3. The money. I want to spend the money, but I hate spending the money, unless I’m sure.

 

Thats pretty much all the things that are holding me back.

It was my tibial plateau

Yesterday I got to go to the follow up with the bone doctor. Much more informative this time. I came in and immediately found out it was my plateau and that it was non-displaced because it was written in on my chart sheet. Question #1 answered.

After they took the progress x-ray, I got to sit in a tiny curtained room next to a lady who was trying to sell it big that she was ready to drive and can walk full weigh bearing. I think she even said her leg felt bionic and she got up and walked around to prove her point. As she was leaving she apologized to me for being so excited. It turns out it had been 6 months for her. She was at her six week post operative checkup and pins and plates were involved. Clearly there was a long process for her to even get to surgery.

Thank you Universe for making me realize YES it could always be WORSE

She alarmed me a bit, and yet I was also encouraged. She was walking around. If I get the ok, I could be walking around and soon. Student bone doctor came in and took a bit of history and the poor boy got a little of an emotional display. He said tell me about your break and I said I really don’t know much about it other than what led to it. He took me through the x-rays and anatomy. Apparently the resistance I was feeling when trying to bend my leg was REALLY TIGHT Ligaments. Also I was given a prescription for physical therapy. Questions #2 and #3 answered.

I was told I was in the drivers seat for how long this will take and those who did their homework tend to progress faster. Good to know that I am in control. Question #4 vaguely answered. I was also told that physical therapy will hurt and I should be sore in the evening. We danced around the topic of pain medication and I avoided it. I am starting to think I should have asked for some more. Last night was the most painful sleep in my memory. I slept with ice on my knee and a pillow at my knees. Took 2 extra strength tylonol and still had to get up a couple of hours later and take something. This is without physio.

All in all good news:

1. I can drive
2. I can start trying to walk
3. The doctor thinks with physical therapy I can get my knee bending all the way back.
4. Things are returning to normal-ish