It’s dark. Early morning. The glow from the screen is lighting my face and the small area around my hand that holds it.

I am glued the the flight tracker that monitors the plane. The plane holds a piece of my heart and it is on the other side of the world. 15 minutes till it lands. I can’t hold my breath for that long. I’ve tried. Instead, I am holding what is left of my heart and sending prayers.

I don’t think I have ever prayed so hard in my life like I have in the last 26 hours. Prayed so much that the prayer became more than a thought. It became physical. Tangible. It became water in my eyes and a force flowing out of me toward heaven and then to my piece of heart. I don’t know exactly where he was but I could see it finding him, encircling him. I prayed as if I had the power to move planes and people to my will. Maybe I did. “Please make your gate! Please be on time! Please ask for help. Please, please, please.”

And now you are almost there. 4 minutes.

Soon my prayers will start up again. Actually they have already started. I can feel them on my cheek and pillow. I am not sure if I have the stamina for this but I push through because it’s the only thing I can do. It’s the only power I have left. Thank God it’s a strong one.


We Shall Be Like him


I don’t know how many times I have read Maroni 7, but I do know it’s been over a handful. It is one of my favourites. A discourse on Faith, Hope and Charity. This morning, although the roaring virtual fireplace was going, and I was awake. My mind couldn’t focus. It wan’t until we were almost 3/4 of the way into the chapter, that I realized we were reading THAT chapter. I kind of felt shame and tried harder to focus.

Faith, Hope and Charity are beautiful things. Colourful happy virtues in a world of Angry grey. I often think of these virtues in colours and I don’t low why or where that came from.

Faith I see a warm yellow or a pure white. When you have faith there is more clarity, there is more peace. Faith in the right things is enlightening.

I often relate the colour blue to Hope. I find the colour blue a strong one, yet relaxing. A blue mornIng sky shows promise. I don’t know much about hope. It is so interwoven with faith that it is hard to separate. Maybe they aren’t supposed to be separate.

Charity is red because Charity is Love. But it is more than love. I think sometimes we lose the meaning of charity when we replace it with the word love.

But this is not what I got from this particular chapter in the Book of Mormon today.

I can’t help but think the would would be so much better if we would practice these, especially Charity.  Not just the charity of giving to the poor but the Charity of no gossip, of giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. The Charity of listening and choosing the best interpretation of what one was saying especially when it opposite to what your opinion is. The Charity of letting go or arguments and realizing they are pointless. Have you notice, after an argument, nothing is resolved. You have said your piece, but you have no peace. You haven’t changed anyones mind, and you haven’t heard the other person because you are too busy being right.

But that also isn’t what I got out of this chapter today either.

Since I only tuned in at the end, I only got the end and for some strange beautiful reason it was enough. Shame is gone.

         “48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.”

Time to pray. That too is important.

In Body and In Spirit

Today was the first time in a long time that I was excited to get up to read scriptures. I used to be a “morning person”, but somewhere along the way, I think between the ages of 16 and 24, I became a night owl. Then I had my babies and I became a narcoleptic. Not really, but my best sleeping times seem to be between the hours of 5:30am to 10:00am. Just when everyone else is getting ready for the day, all I want to do is drift off to dreamland.

So back to scriptures, a few years ago our family just decided to just do it. The time that worked best for us was 6:30am. I promised the Mad Hatter that I would support him, so I try very hard not to complain, and I think for the most part I do fantastic at that, but you can see why I am not excited on the inside to get up for scriptures.


Last night, as a result of the “MONSTEROUS SNOWPOLCOLIPS” that hit Calgary, I thought it would be nice to read scriptures by a fire. I thought that it would feel cozy and would keep all of us awake or at least a little more alert while reading said scripture. The only problem is we don’t have a fireplace. Believe me it was on the list for purchasing a home, as was garage and dinning room, but sometimes one needs to compromise. So when you can’t have an actual fireplace, the next best think is a virtual one…right?

Enter in Netflix “fireplace for your home” episode. Can you believe they have that? Seems kind of silly, but I guess I am not the only one who needed to compromise.

I guess you can get virtual fireplaces on youtube too

And it worked. I am not saying a crackling fireplace is the “magic pill” for improving my families attitude, but it was a reminder that sometimes changing things up and preparing ourselves physically for insight spiritually is necessary. Didn’t Jesus feed the 5000 because he could see that their physical discomfort was interfering with their ability to understand the word? That and compassion.

I give this another week and I think I will have to change things up again. I will have to sock away the fireplace for another time. Slowly as we improve the physical, hopefully, the spiritual will come along with it. Almost anything is better than the scattered bodies hiding under blankets sleeping through the Mad Hatters readings, because that is what it has been since we moved. It also helps that we now have couches.

Easter at home

With the way things have been going, it feels good to spend an Easter at home.Only one day of slight travel (across town) to my sister’s on Friday. She is hosting for the  first time. Sadly her kids couldn’t be there, the were with their dad, but it was fun all the same. My older kids haven’t spent much time with Aunty Jen since before she got married and Tweedle 3 can count the number of times he has seen her on one hand. Circumstances being what they are, she is finally free to enjoy the love of her family again. So we celebrated anyway. She looks so much happier and healthier. Sure things are hard and they will be for a while but if it’s right, then it’s right. The only one who can know if it’s right is her and her Heavenly Father.


Yesterday (Saturday) we had the opportunity to clean the church. I know it’s weird but my kids love to clean the church and I figure I had better take them up on that. The certainly aren’t learning to clean all that well at home (it’s getting better) so they can learn at the church, where the company is good. My sister has a saying anything is fun if you have your friends. We were on vacuum duty and the boys helped clean surfaces. After the church we settled on colouring eggs and then a movie. Rio 2. Tweedle 3 would probably give the movie *****. There were things that I liked but it was kind of weird. I know I’m not their target market so I’m sure it’s fantastic. I would give it ***.


Today, we got bunnied and then we went to church. Following church we rolled eggs. I know egg rolling isn’t that popular but the Mad Hatter told me today he only knows that my family rolls eggs. This couldn’t possibly be so. I took an informal poll and so far, through third hand, one other family that isn’t related to me on my dad’s side rolls eggs. Surely it’s more popular than that. Oh well. It’s what we do. That’s how we roll.





My House Hunting meltdown is over…for now.

Husband has asked me to stop looking at the MLS system. It seems I have been a little hard to live with. I should probably stop listening to the news as well because they seem to either think there is an unsustainable bubble in the housing prices or that it’s so healthy that this will last a long time. In the meantime quotations of how this time is so like the market in 2006 are everywhere and well I can’t do anything about it.

I had faith, when I started, that my short laundry list of wishes would be met. Hey if anyone could do it God could do it. Lets just say my faith wavered and to protect my heart I need to listen to my husband. There is nothing I can do for the next while anyway.

Instead I will have a meltdown of a new kind. The in-laws are coming and I have been trying for the last week to get my kids to clean. Apparently I am a push over because they just kinda shrug me off and go about their business (games and tv ) as if I didn’t say a thing. I dole out punishments and take stuff away and still the house is a mess. I normally scream and yell into submission but that isn’t working and supposedly I gave yelling up for Lent. Ugh when is Easter? Stress Level is back to high now. Seriously though how did this happen? I used to wield so much power and now everything I say is taken like a suggestion, including when to eat.

Actually I have almost given up on having a clean house and decided that my in-laws will love me in spite of my children and my house. They have to, they are stuck with me. Actually they don’t have to, that too can be taken as a suggestion, but they are stuck with me.

One day, I will look back on this time and think man what was my problem? Or hopefully I will laugh. Sooner rather than later would be nice but maybe to help the way along I should take down a lucky nickel or quarter and use it in vegas. Gambling is so against every cell in my body but a quarter or a nickel wouldn’t hurt? Would it? I guess you can ask me again when I enter rehab.

Oh yeah, Husband and I are going to vegas soon. We have been married 16 years (that went fast) Gretchen Rubin says “the days are long, but the years are short” It’s so true, especially this week. Silly spring break has been hijacked by a persistent winter so the days have been terribly long and with that unproductive due to the aforementioned shrugging off of responsibilities. Don’t you just wish that sometimes you could give up all responsibilities? Perhaps this is my midlife crisis or my terrible coping mechanism to stress. Maybe I should take up running 😛 Again or better.

Clearly this is a stream of consciousness entry so maybe I should just end here before I say something stupid.


Resolved or At Least Thinking About It.


How is that for commitment? Hmmm maybe that should be my resolution, making a decision and committing. Maybe. Anyway. I don’t like the idea of resolutions and yet I do. I like having a marked set of time, a measurable deadline to which one could be held accountable. I don’t like new years resolutions because everyone else is doing them and then not doing them. I don’t want my goals lost in the noise and because no one else is doing them, feel no drive to complete them. I don’t want to be a lemming. This need to not be one of the crowed has often kept me from doing things that would probably be good for me or enjoyable and yet I crave blending in and not being apart of a spotlight. It must be really hard to be me, but I don’t know anything else so….

Back to the goals.

1. Save Money: My last post was a chart that has a plan to save a significant amount of money. Already put my $1 in an account last week. So far so good.

2. Bake More: This one goes again almost every cell that is in my body. I have a fear that if I bake I will eat it, but after spending $200 in the last 3 days (not a regular shopping run) I need to do it. My kids (2 teenage boys and a growing 6 year old) are eating in such volumes that I cannot afford to run to the store to save time to buy snacks so that they can be filled. I also believe that if I save more where the food is concerned then we can have some exciting experience.

3. Start Lifting weights: Last year was a milestone birthday. I went to the doctor for a checkup and she came in and told me my warranty was up. I thought it was funny…sort of. Anyway she is a bit older than me so I guess she would know. I have read and anecdotally found that as you get older the ability to get to a healthy weight by burning cardio disappears. I also hate milk and I need to fight osteoporosis to heavy lifting is my plan. I had an assessment done. I am lucky that I can trade favours for this personal training. Today I don’t go to yoga because my legs (inner thighs) hurt so bad and I’m running tomorrow hopefully. I’m a little nervous that my actually work out will leave me unable to walk.

4. Be more Prayerful: I have been spiritually coasting, it feels like, for the last while. I’m a believer but I kind of feel more of an acquaintance relationship with my maker than I would like. I want to feel more. I would like to turn more over to the Saviour. He has asked my to do it and promised burdens will be lighter and who doesn’t want that?

So these are my hopes for the next year. If I added more I think that I would be setting myself up for failure. I am worried this might be too much but I’m going to be kind to myself and if I run to the store to quickly get some muffins because I didn’t have time to make food, I’m going to cut myself some slack.



allowing myself to “be still”

Being Still. This thought has come to my mind so often this past month. It seems I am not the only one. And although the words may not mean exactly the same thing to everyone for we are all in our own experience, I believe there is a reason why and it’s universal. The words come from a scripture in psalm 46:10. “Be Still and know that I am God”. Isn’t that is why we are here?

The picture in the header is from the last time that I took for myself on my own. It was a saturday run, but I was alone. I am usually not alone. It was hard and it was beautiful. The picture doesn’t do it justice. I wasn’t going to do this run, because there wasn’t anyone else around and it was “cold”. I laugh at the word cold because it’s all relative. Today is COLD with a windchill warning. Windchill warning only come out after the temp is below-40. Notice I didn’t put an F or a C because that doesn’t matter. It’s the same.

Anyway the run was an opportunity for me to prove to myself that I could do it, but it was actually so much more. It was an opportunity to fill myself up. To see the beauty of the earth, while feeling gratitude for being allowed to see it. It was an opportunity to commune with my saviour, to know I was precious to him and he was mindful of me, to know that I could do hard things. My runs don’t usually do that. They are usually a release. But He knew what I needed.

Shortly after that everything kinda fell apart. My routine and schedules, my personal time has all gone to the wayside. Everyone in the wonderland home is fine. We are all fine, but a neighbour to the wonderland household is not and consequently much is required of me. Much more than I ever thought possible. It’s been hard to watch this loved one. It has been hard to give up what I had just recently got. It’s been hard. At it’s peak I started to internalize some of the stress. I stopped eating, I started to dry heave and had a bit of a public break down. And yet the whole time I could feel someone supporting me. I hope that is how my loved one feels.

Someone said to me just sit back and watch the miracles happen. And although it hasn’t felt much like sitting there have been miracles. I wish I could talk about them but it’s still new and raw and we are in the thick of it. I know it’s not over and that thought tires me, and I feel guilty for that. I wish I was more but I’m not. Perhaps that is part of the plan. If I was more, I wouldn’t have the need for the miracles and there is teaching in the miracles. If I was more then I wouldn’t need God or at least I would think I didn’t need God. There are things that I have learned. I have learned that when we are good (because bad things happen to good people too.)  God doesn’t take our trial away, but surrounds us with people to help lift the burden. I have learned at times I need to be still and trust that he knows what is going on. I need to trust that he has a hand in this and loves all his children. Even the mean ones. They are mean because they are hurting too. I may not understand why or how, but I do know, that through this things will be better. I’ve been promised they will be. I just have to be still.