allowing myself to “be still”

Being Still. This thought has come to my mind so often this past month. It seems I am not the only one. And although the words may not mean exactly the same thing to everyone for we are all in our own experience, I believe there is a reason why and it’s universal. The words come from a scripture in psalm 46:10. “Be Still and know that I am God”. Isn’t that is why we are here?

The picture in the header is from the last time that I took for myself on my own. It was a saturday run, but I was alone. I am usually not alone. It was hard and it was beautiful. The picture doesn’t do it justice. I wasn’t going to do this run, because there wasn’t anyone else around and it was “cold”. I laugh at the word cold because it’s all relative. Today is COLD with a windchill warning. Windchill warning only come out after the temp is below-40. Notice I didn’t put an F or a C because that doesn’t matter. It’s the same.

Anyway the run was an opportunity for me to prove to myself that I could do it, but it was actually so much more. It was an opportunity to fill myself up. To see the beauty of the earth, while feeling gratitude for being allowed to see it. It was an opportunity to commune with my saviour, to know I was precious to him and he was mindful of me, to know that I could do hard things. My runs don’t usually do that. They are usually a release. But He knew what I needed.

Shortly after that everything kinda fell apart. My routine and schedules, my personal time has all gone to the wayside. Everyone in the wonderland home is fine. We are all fine, but a neighbour to the wonderland household is not and consequently much is required of me. Much more than I ever thought possible. It’s been hard to watch this loved one. It has been hard to give up what I had just recently got. It’s been hard. At it’s peak I started to internalize some of the stress. I stopped eating, I started to dry heave and had a bit of a public break down. And yet the whole time I could feel someone supporting me. I hope that is how my loved one feels.

Someone said to me just sit back and watch the miracles happen. And although it hasn’t felt much like sitting there have been miracles. I wish I could talk about them but it’s still new and raw and we are in the thick of it. I know it’s not over and that thought tires me, and I feel guilty for that. I wish I was more but I’m not. Perhaps that is part of the plan. If I was more, I wouldn’t have the need for the miracles and there is teaching in the miracles. If I was more then I wouldn’t need God or at least I would think I didn’t need God. There are things that I have learned. I have learned that when we are good (because bad things happen to good people too.)  God doesn’t take our trial away, but surrounds us with people to help lift the burden. I have learned at times I need to be still and trust that he knows what is going on. I need to trust that he has a hand in this and loves all his children. Even the mean ones. They are mean because they are hurting too. I may not understand why or how, but I do know, that through this things will be better. I’ve been promised they will be. I just have to be still.

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