Most of the time I’m content and by content I mean meh. There isn’t really all that much I am lacking. I have food to eat, a place to sleep and people to love. However I am feeling like there is something more that I am just not getting. My day consists of running around from room to room, errand to errand, child to child and I have nothing to show for it by the end of the day. I am chasing and never catching. The prospect of doing this for another year makes me tired.
Oh sure I have thought about many other things that I could be doing with my time. I could be going to school, working, working out, discovering my passion etc. but all of those incur costs that I can’t justify right now nor do I have the time as I am already behind on what I need to do. Lets just say if I was working for me I would fire me.
So what does one do when the expectations that are not being met are making one disappointed, frustrated and sometimes guilty? I have tried to make goals to improve. I do it almost everyday, but life gets in the way and I promise myself tomorrow will be better. I believe it’s that gap between expectation and reality that is driving me crazy. Does one just change their expectations? Is that even possible? I’ve been chasing these preverbal carrots for so long everything looks orange. I’m also not sure I want to give my expectations up or trade them in. If I did that (give them up) wouldn’t that just be admitting defeat?
Maybe what I need to do is fine tune my goals. Instead of saying “In 2008 I am going to have a clean house.” I should say, “In 2008 I will not go to bed before I have put my dishes away an wiped down the counters and table.” Or maybe I shouldn’t let myself get away with my time wasting habits. I don’t know what they all are but I’m sure I have a few. Or I should let everyone in on my expectations so that the innocent bystanders don’t get in trouble for unknowingly sabotaging my efforts to reach expectations. Whatever I do it must be different because what I’m doing now isn’t working.